How often do you really say what you mean when you're cross?
Do you hide your anger and/or frustration behind a veil of politeness?
Revealed perhaps by the slight edge in your voice, or the tinge of
sarcasm? When your boundaries are breached do you swing between
ignoring it and flying off the handle? Truth Talking is a method of
communication that allows you to say anything and everything with grace
and ease. It takes a bit of practice, but once mastered it is very
powerful tool that can be used in both your personal and professional
relationships.
The way we normally say things...
When we try and convey our feelings when our emotions are running high,
most of us fluctuate between passive politeness or
judging/blaming/aggression. Let me give you some examples. In the
family home, children can typically drive their parent's nuts
over their lack of desire to tidy up after themselves. A mum might
typically say things like:
"This room looks like a bomb has hit it!"
"Why don't you ever tidy up?"
"I suppose I'm expected to pick up the
towels?"
"Please tidy up!"
"You never tidy up! I'm not your skivvy. Go and
tidy your room now!!"
I used all of the above and versions thereof on my children from when
they were tots until they were teens. When I lost my rag, something
usually happened. But the tidying was rarely done willingly and once I
had calmed down, their old, untidy habits soon returned.
Children will be children, but this ineffective way of communicating
permeates many different areas of our lives. Why is talking like this
ineffective? Because we filter what we hear from other people. If we
hear general comments that are not addressed to us directly, and where
a response would involve us doing things we don't want to do,
then the filter simply draws the conclusion that the statement
doesn't apply to us. So expressions of exasperation like,
"This room looks like a bomb has hit it" will
usually be ignored.
Sentences addressed as "You
don't.." or "Why
don't you..." are filtered that we are
being judged, not accepted for what are or what we have done. We will
immediately put our barriers up ready to defend ourselves and in the
process will often not fully hear what has been said. Even a child when
accused of "Why don't you ever tidy up?",
will often retort by telling you they tidied up on such-and-such
occasion. Sarcasm rarely works – with children or adults.
Some people find it humorous, but often the person hearing the message
will be unsure of what is intended. Comments like, "I suppose
I'm expected to pick up the towels?" will often be
greeted with silence.
The "Please tidy up!" plea sometimes works. But as
it is not directed by name, the filter can deduce it isn't
intended for them - even if they are the only one in the
room! The response to this plea will depend on the relationship but can
easily be ignored too. In the final example, "You never tidy
up! I'm not your skivvy. Go and tidy your room
now!!" An out-burst of anger from a parent to young child,
will usually send the child by scurrying to do some tidying -
but begrudgingly. The child won't feel good about it because
they have been told off. The parent has gone to red-rag stage and so
even after the child has done some tidying, praising the child
genuinely will be hard to do. If this approach is used with teenagers
or adults, more than likely a full-blown argument will follow and
it's likely that neither party will win.
How to start using Truth Talking
Truth Talking is designed so the person you are speaking to, hears your
message fully (that is, the filter doesn't step in
- at least not so much!). The simple rules are:
Tell the truth about how you are feeling
Begin your sentences with:
"I..." as opposed to
"You..."
Genuinely acknowledge the other person.
Keep all of your sentences very short.
Keep it to the point - extra details just weaken
what you are trying to say.
Use the person's name when addressing them.
Ensure your voice is in "charge neutral"
When we were 4-6 years old we used a lot of Truth Talking:
"I want this..." "I need
it!". But at that age, we are also getting to grips with
right and wrong and we don't have the ability to say things
gracefully. Our parents correct our I wants with messages such as:
"It's not, 'I want', it's,
'Please may I have'. Or in moment of
frustration even "Wants don't get!". From
this early age we take on board that starting our sentences with
"I" is not socially acceptable. Unfortunately,
it's rare for anyone to teach us in our teens how we could
begin again to use "I" but in a graceful manner. So
conversations with a high emotion factor, swing from polite passive to
aggressive completely bypassing assertive.
Some of the strongest Truth Talking sentences begin with:
"I am.." or "I'm..."
"I need..." and
"I feel.."
They are strong because unless you are a great actor, it's
hard to say these words and be dishonest at the same time. Trying
saying, "I am happy" when you are sad, lonely or
frustrated. It's really difficult, isn't it?
Likewise when you hear someone say, "I'm feeling
sad" - the truth of it is so powerful, that
it's very difficult to ignore.
We are not blaming anyone when we say
"I..." it's just a statement of
truth as long as our voice is in charge neutral. Charge neutral means
our voice needs to be even in it's tonality, with no hidden
agenda behind what you are saying. It's simply a message from
the heart. This is probably the hardest part to master in Truth
Talking, because frequently we want to blame the other person and
judging can still be heard by the filter even if it's
disguised as "I..." instead of
"You..."
By genuinely acknowledging someone before you tell them what is in your
heart, you get their full attention and again, your message is less
likely to be distorted by their filter. Genuine acknowledgment involves
telling the person what you know to be true in what is going on for
them in this situation.
Keeping your sentences really short and to the point helps the other
person hear what you are saying too. Contrast these two ways of wife
talking to her husband:
"No-one is listening to me! I keep telling everyone about
tidying up and keeping the house in some sort of order and
it's like I'm talking double dutch for all the
impact it has. John leaves everything everywhere - his room
is like a pigsty. I need you to help me with the kids - they
can't keep expecting me to keep picking up after them. And my
mother is coming tomorrow, and if she sees the house like
this!"
Although, the above is using some of the techniques needed for
effective Truth Talking, it loses it's power because
it's going off in many tangents and it's hard for
the listener to really know what the salient parts of the message are.
A better approach would be:
"I know you're been really busy, but I need your
help. I am upset because the house is in such a mess. Can you talk to
John about his room and then help me a little? I need to have the house
straight before my mother comes tomorrow."
Truth Talking when you are really upset also allows you to stop
yourself going too far. See the power you have if you can express
yourself like this:
"I'm really angry. I know I'm not
handling this very well. I'm going for a walk. I need to calm
down - then I want to talk to you some more about
this" Using Truth Talking naturally, takes time -
but with practice it will become second nature. You will be amazed how
easy it is for you to be heard and also how much easier your life
becomes as people respond more willingly to your requests for help! Try
it today and see what a difference it makes!
Note: Truth Talking is a technique I coach to many
people.
It's a blend of many different ideas and practices, but one
of my biggest influences was Tim Ursiny, a fellow coach who coined the
phrase TruthTalk in his excellent book: The Coward's Guide to
Conflict.
I hope you have found this tip to be useful. To find other tips, or to
sign-up to receive a tip every month, please see Red Dandelion
