As a man, it always amazes me how much power wives have, while
they feel totally powerless. It may be our physical strength,
our ability to puff up and strut like a rooster, or our
inability to hear anything we don't want to hear, but something
has got many women convinced they hold no sway over the
thoughts and actions of their husbands. With the exception of guys with
addictions and mental health issues, we're easy to
satisfy and even...control. Guys, if you're reading, I'm
sorry, but I'm gonna' tell 'em. Women, if you're willing to
let us think we're big, and important, and sexy, and in charge,
there is no limit to your power.
Marriage Isn't Always Give And Take:
For most women, it's give
and give and give and... Now, I know that sounds like a
complaint you hear from many women but it's actually a position
of power and importance. The one with the ability to give is
the one with the power. The one with the need to be always
given to is the one who is powerless. If you doubt this, look
at the difference between needy and generous in every other
area of life. Look at how people clamor around leaders and
decision-makers, trying to be given things. Now, don't let
your husband read this or he will try to take power by being
more giving and generous to you. Instead, begin to understand
that the more he comes to you for this and that in his life,
the more he's recognizing your position of power over him. Let's keep
this secret between you and I, because I don't want
Marsha (my wife) finding out...she doesn't know why I'm giving.
Women Can Make Men Do Anything:
The power of giving praise is probably the most under-used
weapon in the woman's marriage
arsenal. Many of them fall into the habit of criticizing what
they don't want their husbands to do. This focuses his
attention on what you want him to give up, and worse, sets him
up to defend his, now, favorite thing, to the death
(figuratively). You want him to do what you want and love you for it?
Catch him doing what you want, and praise him for
it. His confidence and willingness to please will grow along
with his affection for you. Ignore the things you don't like,
unless they're illegal or immoral.
Here's the deal...You'll get less of what you ignore and more of
what you praise. Not only that, if your husband is anything
like me, he'll begin looking for things he can do to get your
praise. When you think about it from my perspective, as a
man, you can understand why this works. Marsha is the most
important human I've ever met. If I happen to do something
that catches her praise after more than 20 years of marriage, I feel
like I can do anything...and I want to earn that praise
again and again. On the other hand, if I catch one of her
"looks," I feel terrible and unwilling to try again and risk
"the look." So, find reasons to give him praise and watch the
whole marriage atmosphere change.
The Art Of Asking Questions:
Have you ever been accused of
nagging? This is something I learned from Marsha. Now, it
took me about 10 years of marriage before I realized what was
happening. She never told me what she wanted me to do. Nor
did she tell me I hadn't done it after she asked me for the
umpteenth time. It honestly never seemed like she was
assigning or directing me to do anything, yet, here I was again, doing
not what I wanted to do, but what she wanted me to
do...and liking it. How did she do this? ...by asking me if
I wanted to. For example, "Do you want to take the garbage
out now or wait until later?", "Did you want to go shopping
with me this weekend?", "When do you think is a good time for
you to take the car in?" If we were on a level playing field,
my answer would have been no or never to all of them, but she asks with
such deference that I feel compelled to give an
affirmative reply.
I hate to admit my weakness, but this works even when I know
it's being done. Why does it work? Because genuinely asking
makes him feel like you care about his schedule. It makes him
feel like he's in charge and has a choice. It makes him want
to cooperate and do whatever you asked of him because it's
important enough to you, to ask, and he's important enough to
you, to be asked.
Men Don't Understand Intimacy: Face it, most men think
intimacy is something that happens after foreplay and before
sleep. Still, if you're patient and a little sneaky, you can
communicate feelings as long as he doesn't know that's what's
happening. For instance, tell him how the negative actions of
others make you feel, not his negative actions. That way he
won't feel cornered and accused. Ask what he thinks, not how
he feels. You'll often get how he feels couched in man code,
like "That was unfair, foul, cheating...meaning...I feel like
I'm being taken advantage of." Or..."That doesn't make any
sense, that's stupid, that's illogical...meaning...I feel
stupid because I don't understand what you're trying to say. If you're
patient with him, in a few years he may actually
learn to express genuine feelings and be truly intimate. Of course, by
then you'll know all his man codes and won't need him
to use your terms to share genuine intimacy.
Women, you don't have to keep score in a constant attitude of
give and take. Instead, by operating in give and give, you
can have a powerful influence on your marriage relationship.
By understanding a few things that make men tick, you can
change the whole atmosphere at home, from one of bickering and
sniping, to one of cooperation and generosity. Instead of
thinking yourself a powerless adversary, use the power you have
to become an influential advocate.
About the Author:
Glen Williams is Web master at Way2Hope-Help With Family And
Life Problems and founder of Help With Family And Life Problems
E-Home Fellowship (EHF), Co. He has counseled and helped people
on life and health issues full-time since 1989. You can
comment on his articles at Way2Hope Family and Life Forums
